


heart made of glass (my mind of stone)

by CassandraStarflower



Series: lovely [5]
Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Child Abuse, Damian Wayne-centric, Gen, Implied/Referenced Character Death, POV Second Person, Present Tense
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-11
Updated: 2021-02-11
Packaged: 2021-03-17 20:09:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29356239
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CassandraStarflower/pseuds/CassandraStarflower
Summary: Damian Wayne, death, and family.A character study of the youngest Batkid.
Relationships: Bruce Wayne & Damian Wayne, Dick Grayson & Damian Wayne, Talia al Ghul & Damian Wayne
Series: lovely [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2123244
Kudos: 46





	heart made of glass (my mind of stone)

**Author's Note:**

> So here’s Damian’s!! I did include the idea that Damian had been in the Pit before, so there is the implication that he either died or was incredibly badly injured, enough to require the Pit. also, a lot of reminders that he was a child and a lot of references to children being pushed to do genuinely horrific things.

You are an al Ghul. 

This means many things, both to yourself and, most of all, to others. 

It means that you are strong. 

(You cannot be weak.)

It means that you are powerful. 

(You cannot be vulnerable.)

It means that you are skilled. 

(You cannot be unskilled.)

It means that you are intelligent. 

(You cannot  _ not _ know things.)

It means that you are important. 

(You cannot simply  _ be.) _

(You must be every one of these things, or you are a failure. You know what happens to failures.)

You are the heir to the Demon, the son of Talia al Ghul, and you are important. 

(You are a child.) 

(You do not understand these things. Not yet.)

You train hard from the time you can walk. As soon as you can lift a wooden practice sword, you are learning to fight with it. 

(You are a child. At this age, every one of your brothers was learning to walk, to run, to climb, to play games with friends and laugh and clumsily chase after butterflies.) 

(You learn, instead, to hurt. You learn what it feels like when a man so much taller and bigger than you throws you to the ground with a single blow, uncaring of small fragile child bones.) 

(You are a  _ child.) _

The first time you kill someone, you are three years old. You are far more coordinated than any other three year old in the world, and you have a knife in your hand. 

You are not yet skilled enough to bring an opponent down single-handedly. You are only a child. 

(You are three years old, a toddler, a knife in your chubby, clumsy, child hands, you are a child.)

Your mother brings the man to you and tells you he is a criminal who tried to kill your grandfather. 

You have a knife in your hand, and your mother nods, green eyes fixed on you. The man stares at you with fear and pleads for mercy. 

Mercy is not a word you know in any language. 

(Not yet.)

You step forward and cut his throat. He stops screaming. 

There is a lot of blood, and it gets all over you. Your mother bathes you and tells you she is proud of you. 

You tuck that warm feeling away deep inside you and resolve to keep making your mother proud. 

(Someday, you will regret this. Someday, it will be your father you strive to make proud. Someday, you will regret this.) 

(If you even remember that man and his pleas for mercy. You are a child.)

You train and train and train, with tutors who are the best at what they do. Your mother teaches you herself, sometimes, and is pleased. 

(You learn so many things. You learn how to hurt others. You learn how to kill. You learn how it feels when your bones shatter and your body gives out.) 

(You learn what the Pit tastes like, and then you forget. Someday when your father learns of this, he will hold you close. And then he will call your mother and shout. You will only let your oldest brother hold you tight and pretend it is for his benefit, not yours.)

You first meet your grandfather when you are five years old. You are in a training session with a hand-to-hand tutor, and you do well against the other students, bringing each one down. 

Your tutor freezes when he sees your grandfather and bows. 

You look to your mother, who walks over to you, lays a hand on your shoulder, and bows to your grandfather. You mimic her. 

(You have no idea who he is. You had never met him. Until.)

She presents you to Grandfather. He examines you and tells you to continue your training, and that you must be the best for him to accept you. 

He leaves again. 

You train more. You kill. 

(You do terrible things.)

You see Grandfather infrequently, and each time, you strive to impress him. 

Once, he places a sword beneath your chin. It is a reminder. You continue to exist at his sufferance. 

If he so chooses, you will die. 

(The thought terrifies you.)

(You work harder. You must be as strong as possible. You must.)

(You cannot be weak.)

(You are a child. A  _ child.) _

You fight. You kill. You do it again. 

(You are an al Ghul.)

When you finally learn who your father is, you are ten years old. 

You have spent so long knowing that your father is a great warrior, but now… now you know. 

(You know that he wears black armor and fights fierce enemies. Your mother says that he takes apprentices. That he trains them to be the best of the best. That you must be better than all of them.)

(You are determined. You will be better. You will make your father proud. You will make your mother proud. Someday, you decide, you will be Batman, and you will be Grandfather’s heir, and your enemies will tremble before you.)

(You are a child. You have been fed so many lies. Why wouldn’t you dream of grandeur, when you have been told all your life to expect it?) 

(You are a child.)

Your mother brings you to him. 

He is not actually shorter than you expected, but you say it anyway. You need to show your strength of will. 

He does not trust you. You understand, of course, it makes perfect sense. You just need to make him trust you. You need him to understand that you are strong, that you will be a useful and important part of his team. You need to show him that you are strong. 

(You are a child.)

(All you know is what you have been taught. How were you to know any different? How were you to know that those you trusted lied to you?)

(You are a child.)

You need to move up in the hierarchy, you decide, trying to map it out. 

Pennyworth is untouchable. Mother may have labeled him a servant, but you quickly realize that he is above Father in the hierarchy of Father’s house, as he raised Father and is the only person everyone in the household obeys without question. 

Grayson is just below Father, you think, as the eldest of Father’s trainees and the one who seems most well-liked by the superhero community as a whole. 

(He has connections. You do not plan on making all these connections hate you.)

Todd is a black sheep, and you do not plan on interacting with him much. 

(You know that Mother took an interest in him, just like you know that Grandfather merely saw him as a tool. You know that Mother only saw him as a tool, too. You do not intend to care.)

Gordon, you understand, is quite useful despite her disability (and even more so prior to being crippled by the Joker). She is an extraordinary hacker and clever to boot. You cannot move into her place in this family. You have a far inferior skill with electronics. 

Brown you have only met once, and read her file. She is useless. 

(Your understanding of  _ family _ begins and ends with usefulness. You cannot conceive of anything else. You are a child. You know only what you have been taught.)

You have never met Cassandra Cain, but you already know that she is both unmatchable as a fighter and highly regarded by Father. Naturally. The League had trained her, after all, just as they taught Father. 

Drake is the one you need to kill now. He is Robin, he is Father’s current apprentice, and you require the position of Robin to move up in your father’s eyes. It is obvious, at least in terms of any situation similar to the League. 

(You are a child. You do not yet realize that your upbringing was cruel and horrific.)

(You will. Someday.)

(But not yet.)

You stage a confrontation with Drake in the Batcave, ensuring that the location is optimal for your plans. 

You argue with him. He is disdainful of you, and it grates. He seems to believe himself untouchable, and you almost wish that he would see you take his place as Father’s favored apprentice, a position that he clearly does not deserve. 

You do. 

(You are a child who was taught that you were perfect, that you had to be perfect.)

(You do not know any better.)

You stab Drake and shove him off of the immense robotic dinosaur. 

Father arrives and shouts Drake’s name, running to grab the boy and carry him off. 

You don’t understand. Everyone is angry and you don’t understand what you did wrong. This was just as every one of your tutors taught you, to kill the one above you in order to move up in the succession, just as each of them had done, as Mother had done once before to some uncle or aunt of yours who was too weak to stand against her, just as you were  _ supposed _ to do here, just as she told you to do. 

(You are a child. A  _ child.) _

Everyone is angry with you. You wonder if there is some misunderstanding. 

And Drake is still in the way. 

(useless, your mind whispers, in some deep place that sounds like your grandfather. you can’t even kill your rival properly.)

And then Father dies. Grayson becomes Batman and makes you Robin. 

It is not, perhaps, exactly what you wished for, but you have the desired position of Robin, and when Drake finds out, you can’t resist rubbing it in his face. 

You were not expecting him to take off into the unknown. 

It is no matter, you decide. He has clearly decided to forfeit his place in the family, which he did not deserve to begin with. 

You move on, learning the ways of this new place from Grayson. 

Somewhere along the line, you begin to change in ways that are antithetical to the lessons your upbringing taught you. 

You do not kill, initially out of respect for Father’s rules, but now it is as though you have internalized it. 

You are changing, and it is a great deal due to Grayson. 

You cannot say that you are unhappy about this. 

And then Father returns, because Drake was right all along. 

You are tense at first, but Father does not make Drake Robin again, and you are still Robin. 

Grayson goes back to Bludhaven, for a while, though he comes back frequently. 

Drake lives in the city. 

Father takes in another stray, Duke Thomas, who is… tolerable. 

You continue to learn different things, things you never would have known had you remained with Mother and Grandfather. 

You go to school, you (begrudgingly) befriend Superboy, you go on adventures, and you  _ adapt. _

(You are a child, and for the first time in your life, you are being treated as one. Not with condescension, though some adults do, but you are not being treated as though you are simply a small adult.)

(It is surprisingly nice.)

Drake moves back in. 

You needle at him and he pretends not to hear you. You are angry at first, but eventually, you stop making cruel comments. 

Mostly. 

(You know more than what Mother taught you now.)

You draw frequently, and keep so many animals: Titus, Alfred the cat, Bat-cow, Goliath. 

(Before, you had never thought of what it might be like to keep animals as companions. Now…)

Cassandra Cain arrives back in Gotham and announces her presence by simply appearing at the dinner table. You try to avoid her at first. She unnerves you, and every moment you spend in her presence you spend being brutally aware that she could defeat you with ease. 

She does not try. 

(You are a child, for all that you are a dangerous one.)

You are truly living for the first time in your entire life. You may not have your mother, but you have your father and your brothers and sister. Sisters? 

You think that Brown might qualify by now. She certainly seems to believe so. 

You learn, with help from Jon and Grayson, how to be softer. No less dangerous than you already are, but… not so sharp. Not cruel. Not… an al Ghul. A Wayne. 

It is strange. You have spent so long being heir to the Demon that you do not know how to be simply Damian. 

(You are not sure who you are. Your mother wanted a weapon. Your grandfather wanted a body. Your father wants a son. How do you be a son?)

(You don’t know.)

(But you want to.)

_ (You already are.) _

**Author's Note:**

> Hope people enjoyed this! The series will be marked complete for now, but I do have some ideas for Bruce and Babs. Possibly Duke.   
> Come find me on tumblr @cassandra-starflower!


End file.
